Wednesday, August 19, 2009

Today and forever more

Today I was thinking about my life, and what I mean about my life is. I have traveled all my life, traveling has become apart of my blood, and I have to say my life was showing me that I need to do more. While I was thinking I couldn't stop but think that I'm not following my dream all I am doing is putting it to the side. My dream has always been to travel to Africa and help the people there, but it seems that dream is so far away. I also thought about something else (the feeling of being alone) this feeling is something I have had in me ever since I was a baby. This feeling isn't something some one can fix this feeling is a whole in me. I was sitting on my bed thinking about this the other day and I was trying to find what was it that was missing in me. I never got the answer that I was looking for. I feel I should tell ya'll a little bit about me so that maybe you can have an idea of what I might be looking for.

I was born in North Carolina ( Greenville) I never stayed, my parents snatched me up and they was on the road. My parents are not like you regular parents, you know when mom gets mad at dad he sleeps on the couch it was never like that. I can't really write what my life is like because you would have to be here in order to know. I will try my best to tell you, I never really had friends and when I did try to make friends I left town before they knew it. I think my best friend has always been me my sister and the skies. I've learned to go in my own world when I am traveling because my parents (father) never really stopped so I had to learn how to not go to the bathroom all the time and when to eat and when not to eat. I can go all day not eating and about half a day not drinking. I also learned that silence has always been a good friend too because silence never threw an attitude at me or judged me or anything. I think the best thing I know is change, because change has happened all my life so I know nothing else but that. Change is a gift and a curse, its a gift because when you long for change it happens and it a curse simply because their are things you wish would just stay the same. I guess life is just doing its job (to stop and watch things happen is more of a learning experience for me).

To me I feel that whole is something that has meaning in my life something that I will love to do for the rest of my life. I hear some women say that a man came in their lives and completed them. I can't say that because I am not looking to rely on a man to complete me I'm looking for me in general and I feel that for me to do that I need to fly on my own and be free to know what that is (to be me). I know that I might not be making sense at all but to me its me trying to fill a gap you know?

The only way I can explain is if you read this book I love and its called " The Alchemist by
Paulo Coelho ". When you read this book you will know what I mean, because in the story its about a boy who wants to travel( say that's me) and he feels their is something out there waiting for him. His father (say that's my dad) wants him to stay wants him to follow what they feel is a better life, so he ( the boy) just leave to find what ever it is he is looking for in him. When he does travel you get to see how his journey wasn't a picnic in the park their was ups and downs. until he became so much more then he could have ever imagined. I want that I want to know what it feels like to be in "Bliss" in total control of my life and the things that are positive and negative. I feel that's what is needed to fill this large gap in my life because I feel that will be the biggest "change" of joy for me.